The impact of nVC
"What is Nonviolent communication?"
It’s happened to all of us. Most likely during a conversation with a partner, friend or coworker, disagreement leads to increasing tension, and suddenly, a single comment kicks open the door to full-on conflict. Chances are that seemingly innocent comment felt charged with blame, judgement and/or disrespect to the other person. In turn, they became defensive, and the conversation was derailed entirely.
Enter: nonviolent communication, also known as NVC. “What is nonviolent communication?” you might ask? This core communication technique is a structured framework centered around observations, feelings, needs and requests.
1. Observations – Interpreting what’s happening through a neutral lens
2. Feelings – Communicating your feelings rather than your perceptions
3. Needs – Honoring what’s needed based on your feelings
4. Requests – Communicating actionable steps to meet your needs
You Might Be Thinking To yourself...
You might be thinking to yourself “This isn’t how any of my conversations go!” and if so, you are in the majority. Many everyday conflicts can likely be avoided simply by changing the wording you choose.
Here’s an example. Imagine a married couple with two middle school-aged children. One partner goes into the office for work every day, while the other stays home. The partner who works tends to stay late at the office, or meet friends for happy hour after work, oftentimes forgetting to notify their partner. In turn, the partner who stays home makes comments like “You’re so inconsiderate, you never think about me!” While those feelings are valid and what they are communicating is not incorrect, the words they are choosing are almost certain to elicit defensiveness. This leads to conflict and creates disconnection between the two partners.
Avoiding Conflict with NVC
To avoid this while communicating on a deeper level, thereby increasing the likelihood of getting a better result, the second partner could’ve used the NVC framework:
- Observation – “When you come home later than planned, and I don’t hear from you…”
- Feeling – “I feel anxious and disconnected…”
- Need – “I really need reassurance and a sense of communication in our relationship…”
- Requests – “Are you willing to send me a text if you’ll be running late moving forward?”
Instead of assigning blame or a label, like “inconsiderate,” the second partner chose words that reflected vulnerability, owned their own feelings and presented a collaborative solution. This approach will help the couple avoid needless conflict and instead brings them closer together by creating safety around sharing feelings. Buy-in from both partners is required for nonviolent communication to be impactful, but when used properly it can fully disrupt a pattern of conflict!
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