There is one thing that nearly every couple that comes to therapy cites as one of the biggest issues in their relationship. That is communication. Good communication is foundational to a healthy partnership so this is usually the first thing I address with every couple I see. I have found that most people never even learned what healthy communication looks like! Couples end up in negative feedback loops with their communication where each of them is struggling to be heard.
Luckily, there are a few simple ways to assess what kind of communicator you are, so you can begin to make changes and break the current toxic pattern of communication you are experiencing in the relationships in your life. Identifying your partner’s communication style, and aligning it with your own, is critical in creating more effective communication, which naturally leads to a healthier relationship.
The Reactor Communication Style:
Some one who’s communication is primarily reactionary will communicate while fully in their emotion. They rarely think much about how the other person might take what they say, and they often create a lot of defensiveness in their partner. Their communication usually includes generalizations such as “You always” or “You never” which is often accompanies by a raised voice or condescending tone. This type of communication can often be accompanied by body language such as eye rolling, crossed arms, turning away from your partner, etc. They might get overly emotional which causes their partner to pull away. The reactionary communicator often creates a loss of trust from their partner, because their partner will no longer feel safe engaging in conversation with them. This kind of communication will continue to create a divide and repair will be difficult if this does not change.
The Retreater Communication Style:
This type of communication is characterized by constant internalizing of feelings without expressing them to your partner. This typically looks like having an internal dialog of all the things you want to say to your partner, but out loud expressing that nothing is wrong. This type of communication breeds resentment and does not allow the partner to understand or attempt to repair the issue. Someone with this type of communication style might find themselves having a short temper with their partner, or being sarcastic with their partner and the partner might feel confused. Often the retreater will expect that their partner already know and understand how they are feeling or what went wrong. This type of communicator will always bear the burden of conflict in the relationship and if they continue to retreat instead of engage with their partner there will be a constant disconnect in the relationship.
The Responder Communication Style:
The responder is someone who processes their emotions, thinks of how best to bring them to their partner, and evaluates what needs are behind their emotions. A response often contains “I feel statements” (though this might not be best for EVERY couple) and focuses on the current situation instead of bringing up anything from the past. This kind of response will give their partner a roadmap for how they can meet their needs, does not inherently elicit defensiveness from their partner, and is always loving and caring in the delivery. A response allows a couple to move TOWARDS one another because they now better understand the needs of their partner, and were able to resolve and repair quickly.
Depending on your communication style or the style of your partner, you might find that both of you are perpetuating a toxic communication pattern in your relationship. I always recommend to see a therapist who specializes in communication so they can tailor communication work to you and your partner, but identifying which kind of communicator you are is a great start! Share this article with your partner to see how they might identify themselves as well!
Due to the dynamic nature of the communication styles mentioned above, our therapists take a holistic approach. This entails creating a personalized plan that draws from multiple therapy techniques, including Nonviolent Communication, EFT and Mindfulness, among others. If you are looking for a therapist to help guide you to a better way of communicating, click below to schedule your free consultation!
