Who’s The Fixer In Your Relationship?

In nearly every couple I work with, there are several dynamics that show up consistently. One of those dynamics is that of “the fixer”. The fixer is the partner who is constantly offering solutions to their partner’s problems without first assessing their needs. While toxic in it’s own right, this dynamic is one of the easiest to unravel because it is generally coming from a good place. More specifically, it comes from a place of wanting to solve the problems one’s partner is facing in order to relieve them of the accompanying pain, stress, and anxiety.

I’ll now set the scene for what a typical fixer dynamic looks like in a relationship. One partner comes home from a long day of work and starts telling their partner about an annoying co-worker. The other partner — in an attempt to offer a solution — says “it’s not a big deal, just tell your manager”. The partner who is venting about their co-worker is attempting to find a listening ear and some validation, and the partner offering a solution is unknowingly shutting them down while invalidating their feelings towards the situation.

Eventually, the partner seeking a listening ear and validation will begin to see their partner as an unsafe place to express their emotions. This is because each time they do, they feel they will be shut down and begin to develop resentment toward their partner as a result. This can gradually drive an emotional wedge between the two partners as time goes on, as lines of communication are damaged or shut down entirely.

How couples therapy can help with the fixer dynamic

However, as I mentioned before, there is usually an easy fix to this common dynamic! It requires both partners to acknowledge the part they play and change the way they ask for or receive help. The first step is to have a discussion about the dynamic including examples of when it has impacted one or both partners in the past. Next, you must both learn how to ask each other for what you need. For example, if you go to your partner hoping to vent and receive validation for your feelings in return, be sure to say something like “I really need to vent about something. Can you listen?” In response, your partner can simply ask “Are you looking for a listening ear, or do you need help finding a solution?”

It’s as simple as that! Due to the way people are wired to communicate, which is often much less straightforward than they think, it can take time to incorporate this behavior into everyday conversations. Have patience as you both attempt to flex this new muscle, as it will make up for the initial awkwardness 100 times over in the way of increased trust and overall enrichment of your relationship.

If you feel the fixer dynamic is contributing to relational issues for you or a loved one, I’d be delighted to help you pinpoint the issues and work toward a solution. Click the button below to contact me fore a FREE therapy consultation!

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