At the beginning of every relationship is a honeymoon phase. Everything feels so magical and fun, and even the small annoying habits your partner has seem endearing. However, as your relationship grows into long-term love, it is crucial to acknowledge how the small things can make a big impact on the health of your relationship. When you hurry to marry someone, you go in with the intention for it to last forever. Premarital counseling allows you to explore how you can actually make that happen.
I am a certified SYMBIS facilitator, which is an acronym for “Save Your Marriage Before It Starts”. This is the most popular comprehensive assessment for premarital counseling on the market. Each partner will take the assessment individually, then come back together to go through each category. The categories allow couples to think about certain topics that will naturally come up in a marriage, see which of those areas they agree on and which they disagree on, then talk opening about them with one another so they can be prepared when this comes up in the future. Technically, this assessment could be completed with anyone certified in it. However, as a licensed therapist, I am able to take this assessment a step further and combine with other proven effective techniques that help each individual understand their role in the relationship pattern, and fine tune or change it so the couple can interrupt any negative interactions that are causing disconnection in the relationship.
Furthermore, we will work on learning a new way to communicate in arguments so you can use any disagreements as opportunities to learn and grow with your partner instead of becoming disconnected, and creating resentments. When you and your partner are arguing, do you say things like “you always…” or “you never…”? When we use these blanket statements to describe something that our partner is doing that hurts us, or creates disconnection, we unknowingly create anxiety and defensiveness in our partner. Once your partner is feeling defensive, they no longer have the ability to hear you. The best way to communicate with your partner if there is a pattern that keeps coming up is to follow a four step method to address the issue in the moment that it is happening. For example, if your partner is continuing to leave their dirty clothes outside of the hamper and you are starting to get frustrated, you can say something like: “I noticed your clothes have been on the floor in front of the hamper lately”. Be sure you are addressing this with curiosity, not a tone of dissatisfaction. This allows you to observe what is happening out loud to your partner. The next step is to tell your partner how you feel. For example, “I feel a little overwhelmed when there are clothes on the floor. Step 3 is where you are going to express your needs. For example, “It is really important to me that our space is kept orderly so we don’t have a big mess to tackle at the end of the week.” Then step four is where you will address your request for how your partner can fix it. For example, “Would you please toss your stuff in the hamper each time?” You can ask your partner how you can help them make this into a habit moving forward. The next part falls on the partner to hear, attempt to understand, and make a change moving forward.
Addressing these things that seem so small in the beginning before a marriage even starts will allow for a happier and healthier relationship in the long run. Pre-marital counseling is one of the most important investments you can make, because it allows you the space to safely address potential issues in the relationship from a place of open and honest connection, and with the help of a professional therapist. This is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your relationship. You deserve a love that lasts a life time. One that makes you feel safe and secure. Set yourself up for happiness and success by taking this time to grow your connection. I always offer a FREE consultation so please reach out to set one up and learn more about how pre-marital counseling can help you!
