Our relationships can be a major source of happiness, fulfillment, and joy in our lives. Spending time with the person you love has been proven to reduce anxiety, increase the production of serotonin, and even boost your immune function. Relationships hold so much weight in our lives, so when we encounter problems with our partner, it impacts our mental health, and our day to day lives. Some relationship issues create long term patterns that can weaken the bonds, and even lead to divorce.
From an emotionally focused therapy perspective, your attachment style may be causing some of these issues. The idea is that everyone has attachment needs, and as children, we learn what it looks like to have those needs met or we learn that our needs will not be met, depending on how our parents took care of us, comforted us, and showed up for us emotionally. If you find yourself encountering problems with your partner, it may be time to start identifying the needs that aren’t being met, or the underlying emotions you are dealing with. There are four types of attachment styles first identified by John Bowlby, a leader in the modern relationship therapy field. Here, I will describe the four attachment styles, how they present in a relationship, and some common childhood experiences that cause each.
- Secure Attachment: This type of attachment is the goal. Children who grow up to have a secure attachment style experience warmth, care and consistency in their relationship with their caregivers. People with this type of attachment style tend to be more confident in a relationship, and have less fear of abandonment. In a relationship, this person is trusting, loyal, loving, and supportive of their partner.
- Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment typically have experienced inconsistency with their caregivers as children. They are constantly searching for signs that abandonment is near, and find themselves needing very frequent validation from their partner. This can lead to a partner feeling overwhelmed and smothered, and cause problems in the relationship because they often become paranoid that their partner will leave.
- Avoidant Attachment: People who are avoidantly attached learned in childhood that their needs would not be met by caregivers, and therefore, they developed a defense mechanism by pushing partners away while attempting to be overly independent. These individuals typically felt unloved, and therefore never learned how to express or understand their emotions. As a result, they will avoid them altogether, or run anytime there are any slight problems.
- Disorganized Attachment: This is a mixture of avoidant, and anxious attachment. Children who develop this type of attachment style have a hard time controlling their emotions. This develops when caregivers are inconsistent in how they respond to their child’s needs. It shows the child that they cannot always count on their emotional needs being met, and without a secure caregiver to model how to handle emotions appropriately, they develop anger and rage that feels uncontrollable. This presents itself in relationships as avoidance, and emotional outbursts.
The first step to improving your relationships is to recognize what your attachment style might be, and how it is presenting itself in the relationship. It also helps to recognize what kind of attachment style your partner is exhibiting. When you are able to see anxiousness, avoidance, and uncontrollable emotions as ways of protection against unmet needs stemming from childhood, you can start to feel more empathy and understanding of yourself and others. If you and your partner are experiencing problems in your relationship, you are not alone, and it is not hopeless! As long as you and your partner are open to healing, changes can be made. I would love to guide you on a path of healing your relationship. Please contact me to set up a FREE consultation.